Gaming Today: The Online Gamer

In the modern day of gaming we have come a long way from where we stood a decade ago, where players would have access to slow internet and of course would limit themselves to playing locally in order to avoid high latencies, but faster internet and more optimized net code in video games have allowed us to be able to play with each with lower latency and of course opened the door to the different kinds of gamers that we face in the online world today.

Note: This is a humor article, please treat it as such. Just have fun with it. 🙂

Let’s take a look at some of the species currently present in this world and the ones we are most likely to run into if you are to play MOST popular games of today

1)      The Mic Spammer (Miccaus-Spammius) :


These players tend to show off their linguistic abilities by refusing to keep their thoughts to themselves, they have to narrate every action they are doing and immediately accuse a person of hacking or foul play when these skilled warriors meet their demise at the hands of another. They then proceed to go into frenzy and make a nuisance of the game until the players ultimately have to pause their game and take the time out to mute this parasite.

These players come in a variety of shapes and size and even in a diversity of languages with their own supporting accents! If you are tired of a Mic Spammer with a britsh accent then perhaps lady luck will pair you up with one who has an Australian Accent or even the good ol’ fashioned American accent!

Be careful of the evolved form of this player, upon reaching a certain level of frustration this primitive creature will resort to loud screeching and other ear piercing sounds that may otherwise damage your hearing or if you are playing without the comfort of ear phones can send the impression that you are torturing a young child in your bedroom and have the residents of the house worried and at times have the wrong impression set on the neighbors.


2)      The Natural Born Leader (Naturalas-Bornus-Leaderus) :


These are the real fun people in a party, they appoint themselves as the leader of the team and start handing out instructions to people to do a task but don’t take into account that there is no obligation of any player to listen to anyone else on the server aside from themselves or their friends. Despite knowing this or even not knowing this, the player will continue to pass out “insightful compliments” and blame YOU or another player for the team losing the game when a certain SOMEONE in the team should have been doing less typing and more fighting.

This player is usually adjusted to having his way around and just can’t wrap their head around the concept that people on the server or on the internet in general tend to have something called a “free will” or a “freedom of choice” where they can CHOOSE for themselves and decide not to take the orders of someone “guiding” them on how to “properly” play the game over an internet connection.

This player generally doesn’t have a clue on when their insights aren’t being taken seriously and they continue their brilliant leadership from game to game until eventually they are taken by the night and somewhere in the world another one of this species rises from their slumber.


3)      (Somebody PLEASE) Shoot the Messenger (keyboardus-illiterateus) :


Now THIS is a player I would definitely like to address, these are the macho players who message you during, before or even AFTER a game and take the time out of their (what I am so sure) ever so busy schedule to drop you a message telling you what a good player you are … YEAH RIGHT! These players will ponder for hours and extinguish their colorful vocabulary describing how you are either a hacker / homosexual / An African American and many other creative descriptions of someone whom they probably don’t even know.

There is another variety of this player who apparently has been able to harness the power of sexual relations with people over internet as they will continue to send you colorful messages describing their magical relationship that they have engaged in with your family members and their performance throughout the (what I am sure of) dreadful experience.

I would wish that these players would do us all the favor of sharing their talents with the world instead of wasting them in the world of gaming where they are being put to absolute waste. I am sure that this kind of language will land them soft and cushy jobs as CEO’s of Google, Apple, Microsoft and other multinational companies. Truly these are the people whom our future rests upon!


4)      The YouTube Celebrity! (readius-closeupus) :

YouTube is becoming a growing hub of becoming famous, many people spend careful hours into perfecting precision moves such as the “360noscopequickie” so that they can reach the high ranks of the YouTube overlords who dominate the CoD ring. These players have a preferred taste in either rap, hip hop or some seriously HEAVY dubstep that is enough to burst your eardrums. These players compile their “good kills” into a video of “skill” called a “montage” which is supposed to earn them a name for themselves and praise among their peers.

These players are the “lone wolf” of the team and normally are also the ones who die the most frequently. These players want to be the center of attention and of course succeed in doing so, These players have no sense of caution or planning and simply take the “bull in a china shop” approach of gaming where their kills are either due to luck or the request of a friend playing along.

Such players are looking to reach the heights of fame through these series of montages and other videos to show off their skills for the world to watch, they are very sure to add some VERY loud music, lots of eye straining effects and of course lots of bright lights in their videos to ensure that there is as little game play as possible on the screen and will only highlight their kills being achieved from various angles and in super slow motion.

Truly these are the modern day Michael Bay / Christopher Nolan of the world and their talents are again being wasted on the idle world of gaming.


5)      The Reversal of Roles! (assaultus-camperus) :


And lastly the more enjoyable player, there will always be those players who will rebel against the system completely and assume their own roles; these players are the kinds who don’t care about team work, planning, coordination and perhaps winning.  Have an assault rifle? Let’s camp in the corner! Have a Sniper Rifle? Let’s run around the map like a headless chicken while jumping off a balcony in circles in hopes of getting a quick scope kill off a nearby enemy!

This is not only prevailing in shooting games but also MMORPG’s where I have personally seen Priests who are assigned a healing role trying to take on geared up warriors and failing miserably at it. Such are the players who truly live up to the famous phrase “Some Men Just Want to Watch The World Burn” From The Dark Knight.

These rebels are truly a joy to watch especially in competitive games when they think they are on a roll until they look at the score board and don’t even think about bowing their head in shame but instead persist on carrying on their ways without for once trying to play by the rules or even according to the role they wish to play, they choose to play to earn a respective “reward” such as a killstreaks or the games form of points.

Their reign is short lived and these players don’t even care about trial and error as much as they are ready to die over and over again without learning a single thing.

1 comment

  1. Alex


    Posted on April 29, 2013

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